Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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