your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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