my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
