You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My dad is sitting where you rode me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize