So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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