Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I need a beard to bite.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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