she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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