i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
