Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
