Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
