I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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