we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
