now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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