I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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