No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i was born a porn star she said
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
