i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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