my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
