Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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