There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
