a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
