haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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