her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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