in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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