Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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