My friends, they love my intelligence
After last night, I could never be a politician.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
