i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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