I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he shaved USA in his pubs
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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