how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
