He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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