I'm jealous of your bromance
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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