Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
