Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
