i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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