I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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