my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
