I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
