I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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