I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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