No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
