i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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