you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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