I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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