That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
A bitchslap is in order.
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