I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
