Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Randomize
