Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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