Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
