The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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