a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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