I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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