my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
