I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
