youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize