just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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