I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
