Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
