There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
