i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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