she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
