She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
